I'm grateful, at least right now, for the chance to get away from my own home - a change in perspective, maybe - and to spend the weekend in the Black Forest, dog and chicken sitting. If the dogs continue to be overly protective, I may not see this as the sanctuary that it is right now. But I'm optimistic.
I've been here before - craving change. Not little change, but something really big. I've been in my current job for 14 1/2 years and I'm not at all sure I want to be in it for another 14 years. Right now it isn't "right" but I know that if I am meant to stay here, I will learn something (or many things) about myself in the coming days, weeks, maybe months, that will allow me to redefine my place here and make it "right" again.
On one hand I think I'm crazy to think about a new job in this economy. I have a well-paying, good job. And yet it is not as satisfying as it once was. Maybe I've been lucky to have a job that was satisfying - that wasn't just a means to pay the mortgage, buy the dog food and live a lifestyle that is comfortable. So maybe that's part of this journey - to learn how to be less defined by my work. But maybe this journey is also about taking a risk again. It's been a long time since I really took a big risk. Some might argue that's not true - what about running Pikes Peak, ice climbing or snowboarding? Sure they are out of my comfort zone and sure maybe I can learn something for having done all those things. But it's awfully hard to laugh at yourself when you are thinking about wholesale life change; much easier when you are just trying out snowboarding for the first time.
Not that I have any real options on the table. So I need to remember what a wise friend recently told me, we'll go there when we get there. It's good advice, but it's really hard not to think about all the possible implications beyond this moment.
I have moments of real clarity when I speak with conviction and I believe myself - I really want a college counseling job, not an admissions job. And then I find out a little bit more information and I start questioning myself again. One is working with 8th graders and the other is working with 11th graders. Monumental difference. One allows for the opportunity to watch them grow for four years and the other provides the opportunity to really know them and to guide them in making good choices about the future.
And then there is the whole idea of moving. Do I really want to leave my community? It's a really good place. And yet...The idea of moving to a small town is appealing, but is 10,000 people too small? Especially when it's not near anything else? I still have hope that someday I'll find that elusive mythical creature (so said the bumper sticker Jane saw today, "I believe in dragons, good men and other mythical creatures), but does a town of 10,000 help or hinder? So many places in the West that I would consider are so expensive. I have to be smart, but somehow I have to figure out how to make a decision. Not that I have any big decisions to make.
And maybe the advice from my mom's mom has some real value. It was something along the lines of all will fall into place if it's right. So maybe I have too many reservations and too many questions and that in and of itself is something to notice.
The peace has subsided today. The dogs have been wrestling and chasing chickens, but it's still good to get away and to think a bit. Not sure I've yet come to the decision I need to make by Monday, but it's only Saturday...so while I'm not as unsettled as the dogs, I'm only a step along this journey which will hopefully lead me to a peace of some kind.
