Thankful that I decided to tempt fate...

I almost didn't go. But I decided to tempt fate. And so far, it appears that I have won! My brother called on Monday with the devastating news that H1N1 had made an appearance in their house. After much deliberation I decided to take the risk. So glad I did.

I needed to get out of town. Even though leaving my Sydney always makes me sad. But if you could see the circles she runs around me when I get home, you'd want to leave town occasionally too. She is simply ecstatic upon my return.

There is little better in this life than talking on the phone to the urchins (name given by their Mama and Papa) unless of course you can spend time with them in person. Even when they are a bit under the weather they are magnificent.

Whose heart wouldn't melt at the sound of "Aunt Jess, I really, really love you!" Out of the blue, for no reason at all!

At every meal they nearly came to blows about who got to sit next to Aunt Jess. My sister-in-law apologized once for always dictating where I needed to sit - she was keeping the peace by keeping track - I had no problem being told where to sit. :-)

I brought along some things to do - turned out especially good since we were in the house because of health and rain. Coloring books that made mosaics - both of them did an excellent job. But the highlight were the shrinky dinks. We three huddled around the oven watching with bated breath. The curled up so much we couldn't believe they'd flatten out. So we called my brother - what do you think? He shrugged his shoulders. We decided to have faith. Sure enough they began to flatten out. The oohs and aah's emitted were outstanding.

We read lots of books. I now have something to ask Katie about on the phone - I want to know how the Boxcar Mystery of the Houseboat ends. And Tristan likes to 'read' his favorite books to me, too. We made it to the park before dinner on Thanksgiving day. A short trip, but oh so fun - Nana, Opa, Aunt Jess, Katie and Tristan. And post-Thanksgiving we went to the Deep Cut site on Manassas Battlefield for a walk in the woods.

It was so very much what I needed. Time with my family; time away; and time with my favorite little urchins. Although maybe not quite so much food :-)

Finding Genius

One of my dear friends organized a showing of the film Beauty Mark last weekend. It's a thought provoking film on so many levels - women and exercise, women and food, endurance athletes, both men and women, and their addiction to exercise. It comes at an interesting time for me - a time when my goal for next year is to NOT run a marathon.

I've run 7 marathons. The first one was in 2001. The next six were between 2006 and 2009. A bit much, maybe. Not that I would go back and trade a single one of those experiences.

• 2006 was my first sub 4-hour marathon in Des Moines.
• And then 2007 saw my unbelievable Boston Marathon Qualifying run in Duluth and a birthday celebrated by running the California International Marathon.
• 2008 marks the beginning of my blog - the result of running the Boston Marathon and witnessing the Women's Olympic Trials and my first attempt at the Pikes Peak Marathon which I loved enough to repeat this past summer of 2009.

It's time to run for the pure pleasure of running; it's time to spend my summer (or my upcoming winter) without training "hanging over me," and it's time to run more and more trails. That's where I am most at peace - where I don't think about how fast I'm going (or not going these days) and where I appreciate just being out, being alive and being surrounded by so much beauty.

So what does this have to do with Beauty Mark and finding genius? One of the things that the filmmaker asked the women (one guy) in the audience was, "What is your genius?" By that I believe she meant what is your passion, what do you love to do, maybe even what defines you? Once not so long ago I might have said running - if you ask a lot of people who know me that might still be what they say about me. But I was left wondering what my genius was....I had no idea really and I was so grateful that she did not ask me. And that left me feeling lost. It's not really good for the self esteem to feel like you have no purpose, but that's how I felt. The feeling was accentuated by similar questions about my work and my volunteer commitments, so maybe the timing wasn't ideal for me.

I was fortunate enough to spend some time with someone very wise and someone who can always guide me back to center and grounding, very soon after this film. And she said to me, isn't your "genius" being true to yourself? Living an authentic life? Allowing yourself to be whole and rewarding yourself for all the hard work you've done to be true to yourself? I am notoriously hard on myself and too often take on the burden of others - burdens that are not mine to carry - so more often that not I don't see what I've done to be good and true to myself.

So I am practicing the following things:

• Celebrating healthy choices
• Celebrating a run because it makes Sydney happy and not worrying about how fast or how far we are going
• Running on trails where my soul is fed and I remember and experience why I love running
• Doing only those things in my life that feed me in some way
• Spending time with good friends
• Taking risks but not expecting myself to take huge leaps of faith
• Being good to myself
• Being content to make my own choices even in the midst of difference.

November is quite possibly a good time to be thinking about this - a time when we naturally reflect on that for which we are Thankful. I know that I have a lot to be Thankful for - and taking care of myself in the ways that are good for me is among the most important of those Thanksgivings

Called to serve?

I heard a CC graduate speak tonight to a group of promising high school seniors. CC pushed him to move beyond using the statement "I feel..." to using the statement "I think..." and supporting his thoughts with evidence. He left a profound legacy at CC by convincing the community nearly 15 years ago that there was a need for a multicultural residence hall that still serves our community today. He is now a voting rights lawyer for the NAACP legal defense fund. He spoke with ease, humor and humility. If every one of those high school students wasn't moved to find their purpose, be it at CC or elsewhere, then they weren't listening.

The speech made me think about my own calling and purpose for at least the second time in a week. Late last week I interviewed a young man who is an Afghani refuge. There is nothing in my life that will ever equate to his life experience which is 10 years shorter than my own. I was overwhelmed by the conversation, moved to tears, in fact as I tried to reflect on the conversation. What can I do, really, to make a difference in his life? I can admit him to CC - maybe or maybe not depending on his credentials, the competition and the financial aid available. I hope that I have the opportunity to make a small difference in the life of someone who will make a profound difference in the world. He was a translator for the US Army for a number of years and spoke passionately about the fact that we really do all want the same thing - peace - we just haven't figured out how to communicate with one another. Maybe I can help, he said, with a degree and the credentials to support my claim.

So what is my purpose? Am I really making a difference in this world? Maybe I am. I meet so many talented students and those conversations I have help me to know them and that helps me to make good decisions about who to admit to CC - a place that does teach students that they have the power to change the world. But sometimes I wish I had a more clear calling. Is this purpose enough? I know that we all can't be like the CC grad who spoke tonight, or the student I interviewed last week.

Is it enough to mentor young CC grads, as a colleague told me tonight? Maybe.

Is it enough to seek out and enroll the next generation of inspirational leaders? Maybe.

Tonight renewed my faith in a place that I believe in, but that has certainly challenged me especially lately. But it also makes me question my purpose. How have I really been called to serve?

Where did the weekend go?

Why is it that weekends go so fast? And why is it that I still have so much to do?

It's my first weekend home in a few weeks and it's the beginning of a long stretch at home, so getting "it all done" is less of an issue, but I still wonder where the time goes!

Much of my Sunday was spent around my house, which I love. But sometimes it is more than I want to manage. Really I just wanted to spend some part of today sitting on the couch reading my book. Why didn't I?

Well there's kale - two bunches - to be dealt with (and I didn't get to that). I roasted the dozen or so chile's I had and then made Chile Verde. Into the freezer it'll go for a cold night in the coming weeks. Thank goodness I had an extra hour today because I roasted those chile's before running with the girls at Red Rock Canyon. And if I hadn't? Not sure I'd have actually gotten it done!

First run with the girls in a while. Matter of fact, first run in quite a long time. After the crazy storm earlier in the week, today dawned a gorgeous day - too warm, in fact, for the capri's I had on. Oh well.

And after the run, it was time to finish dealing with the chili's, go to the grocery store, throw in another load of laundry, and cut down all the dead flowers from the summer. The intent was to rake and bag them too, but well, you see where I left them to come in and make a salad for the dinner party I am headed to shortly.

It's been a gift of a weekend - filled with authentic and meaningful friends. Friday night dinner, Saturday's hike along the still snowy High Line Canal in Littleton with a friend I hadn't seen in too long. I came home to bake a pumpkin chocolate cake to take to Alyssa and Tad's to spend a quiet Halloween. And then of course, there is all that has happened today.

And there is all that is still to be done: raking all the leaves and dead foliage, cleaning gutters, folding that laundry, vacuuming and cleaning the house. I did manage to put the Paper White bulbs in a vase - so they'll bloom in a December - when it's cold and the world seems dormant. But it is days like today that I wish for a little help. I love my house and Sydney loves her yard, but it's days like today that I'd love to share this house - share the chores so they'd get done faster and there would be time for another adventure and, of course, all the other things on my list....