Finding Genius

One of my dear friends organized a showing of the film Beauty Mark last weekend. It's a thought provoking film on so many levels - women and exercise, women and food, endurance athletes, both men and women, and their addiction to exercise. It comes at an interesting time for me - a time when my goal for next year is to NOT run a marathon.

I've run 7 marathons. The first one was in 2001. The next six were between 2006 and 2009. A bit much, maybe. Not that I would go back and trade a single one of those experiences.

• 2006 was my first sub 4-hour marathon in Des Moines.
• And then 2007 saw my unbelievable Boston Marathon Qualifying run in Duluth and a birthday celebrated by running the California International Marathon.
• 2008 marks the beginning of my blog - the result of running the Boston Marathon and witnessing the Women's Olympic Trials and my first attempt at the Pikes Peak Marathon which I loved enough to repeat this past summer of 2009.

It's time to run for the pure pleasure of running; it's time to spend my summer (or my upcoming winter) without training "hanging over me," and it's time to run more and more trails. That's where I am most at peace - where I don't think about how fast I'm going (or not going these days) and where I appreciate just being out, being alive and being surrounded by so much beauty.

So what does this have to do with Beauty Mark and finding genius? One of the things that the filmmaker asked the women (one guy) in the audience was, "What is your genius?" By that I believe she meant what is your passion, what do you love to do, maybe even what defines you? Once not so long ago I might have said running - if you ask a lot of people who know me that might still be what they say about me. But I was left wondering what my genius was....I had no idea really and I was so grateful that she did not ask me. And that left me feeling lost. It's not really good for the self esteem to feel like you have no purpose, but that's how I felt. The feeling was accentuated by similar questions about my work and my volunteer commitments, so maybe the timing wasn't ideal for me.

I was fortunate enough to spend some time with someone very wise and someone who can always guide me back to center and grounding, very soon after this film. And she said to me, isn't your "genius" being true to yourself? Living an authentic life? Allowing yourself to be whole and rewarding yourself for all the hard work you've done to be true to yourself? I am notoriously hard on myself and too often take on the burden of others - burdens that are not mine to carry - so more often that not I don't see what I've done to be good and true to myself.

So I am practicing the following things:

• Celebrating healthy choices
• Celebrating a run because it makes Sydney happy and not worrying about how fast or how far we are going
• Running on trails where my soul is fed and I remember and experience why I love running
• Doing only those things in my life that feed me in some way
• Spending time with good friends
• Taking risks but not expecting myself to take huge leaps of faith
• Being good to myself
• Being content to make my own choices even in the midst of difference.

November is quite possibly a good time to be thinking about this - a time when we naturally reflect on that for which we are Thankful. I know that I have a lot to be Thankful for - and taking care of myself in the ways that are good for me is among the most important of those Thanksgivings