I was witness to the wonderful gift of parenthood today. My friends, Laura and Brian, are new parents to Emily Katherine born two weeks ago. She's beautiful and tiny and as perfect as every newborn is! And they seem so at ease with her and with each other in their new roles as parents. They didn't get much sleep last night, but you wouldn't have known. They told the story of her birth, each of them sharing their memories, complimenting one another's stories. I've spent a lot of time with Laura and less with Brian, but they both welcomed me into their home as an old friend. I might have stayed all day though I know better than that. And as I wound my way down the mountain back to the yard work that was awaiting me I found myself fighting back tears.

It's a multitude of things, I know that. It's being witness to such a beautiful, loving and comfortable relationship. And wondering what I have done so that this kind of relationship eludes me. I have been unlucky, maybe. Or I have chosen wrong. I don't really know. But I envy what Laura and Brian have together.

And it is spending lots of time this weekend doing house chores - cleaning inside and getting the surface done, but not getting past the surface and not really purging because there just isn't enough time. Well there is enough time if I forgo spending time with my friends. Which. I. Need. Otherwise the loneliness overwhelms me.

Or it's the yard which seems like no matter how much time I spend, it never looks like I've done anything. I always feel a bit lonely when I spend time doing chores. And after several hours of work the yard doesn't actually look any different than when I started. Except that I moved the fallen tree branch and there are piles of leaves that need to be bagged. Seriously my backyard looks like the Beverly Hillbillies yard - if they had one. Ugh. And the front isn't much better right now. But. It. Is. Better. And the gutters are clean. But only I know that.

My clean and much less furry dog is lying at my feet. That is my biggest success this weekend. Taking Syd for a bath. She didn't love it, in fact didn't really like it at all. But I can now pet her without taking out handfuls of hair. Wonder why I waited so long? She must feel so much cooler and lighter, too. It is she who makes me smile on days like today. The expectant and hopeful looks she gives me hoping that I will take her for a walk. Friday we see the surgeon and hopefully we can start leash walks again. She's ready. So am I. She cracked me up today because she has a rawhide in the living room and a bone on the kitchen floor, but she sniffs the treat drawer in the hope that I will give her an altogether different treat. Yes. I. know. she. is. spoiled.

I am reminded that I should live my life with that kind of hope and expectation. Thanks, Sydney, for modeling the best reaction to adversity. I am so glad you picked me out 5 years ago!

Aunt Jess "samich"

Nothing better than waking up in the morning to two little munchkins making an Aunt Jess "samich." Tristan wakes up talking and doesn't stop until his head hits the pillow. But at 6 in the morning, he peeks his head into my room and when I nod, he slips under the covers and just curls up. Eventually he hears Katie and gets up. "Katie, do you want to come snuggle with Aunt Jess?" So they both climb under the covers. And we have peace for about 10 minutes, maybe. And then Tristan realizes that he is the bread and I am the cheese and Katie is the other slice of bread - all the components of an Aunt Jess "samich" and a fit of giggles. It's a good way to wake up and a good reason to skip a run.

My few days with the urchins, as their parents call them, are never enough. Tristan and I go for a bike ride. And then he rides his bike to the park where he plays for a bit and then tricks me into taking the long way home. I am on foot this time. But he's good and waits at all the corners and looks back to make sure that I am coming after long stretches of sidewalk. And Tristan beat me handily at The Kids of Carcasonne. On day one it was Tristan: 5, Aunt Jess: 2 and one tie. On day two I fared a tad bit better and this four-year old beat me fair and square every time. He's figured out game theory and he's good! Really, really good! :-)

Katie had an awful lot going on while I was visiting. Most notably was her star performance as a Pixie in Cinderella. And that meant dance class on Thursday and rehearsal from 4-8 on Friday - full make-up and all. But she wasn't fond of the make-up - made her face feel like plastic :-). Friday, I got the chance to help out in her classroom - Math Centers. She was ecstatic and I had such a fun time helping out. On Saturday everyone else went to the farmer's market and I helped her decorate her own messenger bag. She did an impressive job and we had a lot of fun arranging and rearranging decals and stuff.

But the highlight was the dance performance. The Fairfax Ballet did a spring show, including Cinderella which allowed all the dance classes at Katie's dance school to have a part in the show. I loved watching Katie. She new her dance, she had a huge, beautiful smile on her face and she clearly had a wonderful time. I don't get to see these things often and I feel blessed that my work took me to VA at just the right time.

Something will be missing the next few mornings without my Aunt Jess "samich." Until next time my dear, sweet urchins! Aunt Jess loves you and misses you.

One Journey's end begins a new journey...

"Well, " said Pooh, "We keep looking for home and not finding it, so I thought if we looked for this pit we'd be sure not to find it, which would be a good thing, because we might find something we weren't looking for, which might be just what we were looking for really." A.A. Milne

I felt at peace yesterday but not as much today. It feels good to be able to begin making plans for the summer. Committing to things like signing up to train with Team in Training for the Denver Half Marathon - to add a dimension to my running that isn't just about me and to think about taking classes in the fall. To know that I can actually hike those mountains with my friend Marigny. But even in that solidness of knowing that staying here is a good decision, there is my constant nemesis, the unknown.

I am blessed to be surrounded by many good friends. I was reminded of that this week as Jillian, Christy and Ryan got me back into the climbing gym. It was a blast! I've missed it and I've got a long way to go to get back to a fitness level there that is respectable - but it's good to have discovered within the group of people to close to me, others that love to climb. That was followed by a birthday celebration for a friend and margaritas at CRC in celebration of Cinco de Mayo!

And then there is the group of women I call my book club. Half of us didn't read the book and of the half that started it, I believe none of us finished it. I finally did today and I'm glad to be done with it - but that's an aside. I laugh so harder with these women. That's two months in a row that I've laughed so hard my sides hurt and I had tears squeaking out of my eyes. We started with a strict set of rules regarding reading and discussing the book, but those have relaxed because we enjoy each other's company so much that we'd rather it create a reason that we get together even if we don't get the book read.

And last night I did the Chick Crawl with two of my most rock solid friends, Marigny and Karen. I wouldn't describe any of us as shoppers, but we had a great time exploring local shops and laughing.

And today, was a morning hike with Alyssa. Not my usual Sunday run as it was Mother's Day, but the perfect alternative to a run was a hike with a view of the Peak to the West and the plains to the East. And most importantly, good company.

I have always known I am blessed with amazing community here. I've worked to build that and I'm so glad not to leave it. So why the struggle today? Sometimes surrounding myself with so much love and community accentuates the time by myself. And I know that worrying about Sydney isn't helping that. She's in good spirits post surgery to release her torn left biceps tendon, but there's a bit of swelling and well she just can't talk to me and that makes me a little nervous and a lot neurotic. And it makes me wish that there was someone right here to consult, to tell me that it looks fine, that I'm worrying too much, or to give me something else to focus on. Patience is apparently the requirement for me, but sometimes I don't want to be patient. I've learned an awful lot through this search this spring, but the one constant, before, during and after is the desire to find someone with whom I can share this life. In addition to my sweet Sydney.

So this journey since the first of the year has brought me right back to where I started - at least in terms of physical existence. I know I am not in the same place emotionally that I was in January. I am at once both more grounded and more buoyant and I'm hopeful again.

Motivation

My motivation and desire to run has really waned in the last few months. Sure, part of that is the fact that I haven't signed up for any major race this year, but I'm not at all sad about the fact that I don't have summer filled with races for which to train.

I am struggling to get out the door because of that precious face in the photo above. Yup. Sydney is out of commission, again. We had about two weeks in early April, but for the short term she's a house bound dog. We see the orthopedic vet on Wednesday in the hopes of getting a firm diagnosis and treatment plan. The xrays show a healthy right shoulder and a not so healthy left shoulder. Could be bone, cartilage, tendon, joint - not really sure. But we know it's not muscular. Her blood panel came back perfect, so that's positive and hopeful and will allow the orthopedic vet to move forward in whatever way he needs to - possibly scoping her shoulder. Poor thing. The pain meds she's on have taken away all pain and all evidence of a limp - which I am taking as a positive sign that the treatment for whatever is ailing the shoulder will be able to remedy her shoulder and then she'll be running with me again.

But there is little motivation to get out the door when I know that I have to leave her home. Sydney LOVES to run. No words can accurately describe how much she loves to run. She not only knows the shoes, but the clothes and even the inhaler that signify it's time to head out the door for a good run. Thank goodness for the Garden Training runs, for my Sunday girls and for calls from those Sunday girls to run on days other than Sundays - otherwise I would be sleeping in every day.

And I miss her on my runs more than I imagined. Not only does she keep us from getting lost, but she's my faithful companion. Running is what we do together. It satisfies us both. So even now when I do get out the door, it just doesn't feel right.

And so today I decided that maybe new running shoes would help with the motivation. I used to be a regular - buying new running shoes every 3 months or so. I can't remember the last pair I bought. And the last pair I bought that I think are the only good running shoes I have aren't really good anymore. So maybe tomorrow new running shoes and new socks will help with the motivation and the feel of hitting the trail.